Rabbi the Santa Jew

They Aren’t Who You Think

Now most of us here have grown up with the whole story of Santa bringing presents and all that. I am going to tell you now…that is all a lie. I am not saying Santa is not real. What I am trying to say is that Santa is actually Jewish. You ever wonder why there aren’t as many Jewish people, let me tell you now that’s because people have always talked about Santa as being Christian. Nonononononononononononononononononon. If you think that, you’re totally wrong, Santa should be seen as who they are. Also why does everyone think Santa is fat, you think somebody could be fat by eating cookies and milk for one night once a year and only eating things like: horseradish, matzo ball soup, apples and honey, eggs,  salt water and parsley, brisket, latkes, apple sauce, chala, wine, pomegranate and so on! Now that I say it, yes Santa does seem fat. Most of these foods are oil or sugar, but it’s probably healthier than chips and cake. So really, Santa can be whatever size you want to think they are. You know how some kids say, “My parents give me christmas presents, it’s not santa?” What do they know? Let me answer that for you, they know nothing. You know why those kids’ parents have to give them presents? Because those kids don’t believe. They don’t believe Santa is real, they don’t believe Santa is Jewish, they don’t believe how hard I work just to deal with them. Santa deserves respect, Santa works hard all year just to make you more spoiled. 


Where Would Santa Get Coal?

People always say, “If you don’t behave, Santa’s gonna put coal in your stocking.” Where in the world would Santa get coal! They act as if everybody owns a home with a log fire. Of course not. Do you know how many people there are in New York City who live in apartments?! A ton!!! Where would Santa get coal for them, huh? I bet you didn’t think of that, and why would Santa bother bringing it all the way from their home to thousands of other homes, that’s just a waste of space. You know Santa would never want to ruin your stocking too, and coal would make the inside all black and dusty. Santa doesn’t want to upset your parents by making their home a mess. Santa isn’t that rude. If you do something bad during the year, all Santa does is sit you down for a talk. It’s that simple.


All That Food

From now on, don’t make Santa cookies, they’re tired of cookies, mix it up a bit. Year after year it’s just cookies. How would you feel if your parents fed you lollipops day after day, your teeth would fall out from so many cavities. Santa doesn’t like cavities so give Santa a cup of coffee next time (they need the sustenance). Also maybe draw a picture for Santa, it’s not the quality that counts, it’s the thought and the quality. Also FYI Santa is not on a diet! Santa is in good shape, so just get off Santa’s back and stop body shaming! You think being called fat and old all year every year is fun! No of course not, would you like that. I don’t think so!


Ms. Claus

Why are we assuming Santa is straight, huh? I don’t know what gave you that idea. Santa can like whoever they want. Also why is Ms. Claus always taken out of the fun? All she gets to do is work in the story you may have been told, really, she is the one in charge of everybody. She is the one who makes sure stuff gets done, so without her, nothing would happen and there would be no Christmas or Hanukkah or anything. She even has to remind Santa to get groceries. She should have some spotlight too, don’t you think? I mean think about it, she keeps the place running, and doesn’t get anything for it? She even goes to marches and is a big activist. Her story might be more interesting than Santa’s (no offense Santa). 


Why the North Pole?

It’s freezing in the north pole. Why would Santa want to live in the north pole? Why not Hawaii, Cuba, France, or Iceland? It would be really cold in the north pole, and really hard to work there. Why has nobody researched how fast Santa goes? Technically, if they are able to go around the world in one night, they would have to be faster than mach 20. Santa also has to be very good at adapting to different temperatures quickly, otherwise they would start to hurt from going from -31 to 89 degrees. So this means that Santa definitely doesn’t always wear that big red heavy jacket, pants, and boots. Or Santa has a change of clothes in the back of their sleigh.


Snow “Men”

Who got the impression that sculptures of snow in the shape of a person, are called snowmen? Think about it, we never gave the sculptures a say in their name, identity, personality, and gender. We already have tons of problems like this in our society. 

DON’T MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED!!!I call them… Snow politicians. This way, any snow sculpture can identify with their name even if they don’t plan on being a politician in the future.



People act as if Santa is some big white manly dude, who gets to boss around a ton of small elves. That’s just wrong. We already have enough white men covering that job, don’t bring Santa into our problems, and let me tell you we have a lot. Santa should be rewarded for not being a person, to be honest, all people suck, because think about it, we have so many problems, and when we try to fix them, more problems come along. Santa is not a problem, so we should give Santa some credit for not having so many problems like we do. 



Santa is very inclusive, they don’t care if you’re Jewish or Buddhist, they still give you things. Santa’s only criteria is you have to believe. It sounds kinda cheesy, but to be honest, believing is one of the key things in life, if you believe in something it can make things better. It’s the same with Santa, if you believe it can be true, it is.


Nobody Asked Santa

Nobody asked Santa what Santa wanted to be when they got older, they just gave them the clothes and all that responsibility. Nobody wants to be trapped in a job like that, sure it makes kids happy, but aren’t there other ways to do that? So one day Santa decided, all on their own, that they were gonna become a Rabbi. Nobody said it couldn’t be done, so now it has been done. Managing two jobs at once is hard but also nice, Santa was getting bored of doing nothing most of the year, so instead, they go to synagogue and make people happy in a whole other way. And when Santa started telling people their new name was Rabbi Santa, people were asking questions like “What’s a Rabbi?” and “Aren’t you Christian?” They were even pronouncing it wrong, so Santa thought they must make this more clear, so they added “The Jew” to their name, this way, people would understand that Santa is a Jew, and a Rabbi, and Santa.


Santa is a Great Rabbi

Santa works in a small synagogue in Washington Heights, and has a peaceful cute apartment, as well as their home in space. Yeah Santa didn’t really like the North Pole so they moved to Space. It’s got a pretty cool view. Santa loves NYC, they’ve made some nice friends, but their neighbors are ehh… their neighbors don’t really mind, but Santa can be PRETTY loud… 


Santa is Ordinary

Santa is normal, Santa uses a toothbrush, and writes letters, and buys candy. Although Santa is sorta like a celebrity, strangely the one thing Santa doesn’t have to deal with is paparazzi. I guess they just don’t think it’s interesting to have Santa on camera. Then again, nobody knows what Santa really looks like. Everyone thinks they’re just a white big old man, nope. nuh un. To be honest I don’t even know. Nobody knows, because Santa lets anybody imagine them however they want. That’s why Santa is so special. Santa lets you decide what you believe they look like.



Sometimes Santa gets lonely, like anybody does. You know what Santa does when they get lonely? Santa goes outside. They find a nice quiet spot, with nobody else around, and read a book, or find some twigs and pebbles, and make crafts at home. Or Santa goes to the library. The quiet peaceful yet full of people, and the calmness make Santa happy. Sometimes it can be chaotic at home, even when it’s silent. Santa calls it “chead” when it gets chaotic in your head.


The Cheesy Overused Title for the Ending

Santa has lots of friends, and neighbors, and people who cut their hair, and so on. Lots of people like Santa. Santa is that kind of person who you feel like is just pure goodness, so nice, and kind, and always does the right thing. But the one thing Santa insists about their not friends, is, to call them Rabbi the Santa Jew, it’s more formal. So unless you’re friends with Santa like me, they would prefer you call them Rabbi the Santa Jew. You may have noticed, but in this whole article, I have not called Santa he/she once, go check again. Santa does not want to be identified one way just because it’s that way in movies.


The End


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