A Vampire Walks into a Jewelry Store

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET – NIGHT

The moon hangs full in the starry sky above the brightly lit skyline of New York City. After a moment, the camera pans down to the street, to come to rest on a jewelry store with a luminescent neon sign that reads: Bukovsky Jewelers, since 1945. A sign plastered to the inside of the store window declares that the shop is open.

CT: Interior of store. Lucy In The Sky by the Beatles plays softly overhead above the many display cases filled with shiny jewels. An older woman sits behind the front counter, blonde highlights covering up the grey streaks in her warm brown hair. She is tinkering with a necklace sitting on the counter in front of her, unscrewing the diamond on the pendant from its setting. This is LISA BUKOVSKY. Another, younger, woman sits towards the back of the room, drinking a soda can. This is MARGARET COLVER. She leans back in her chair, and lets out a loud, exaggerated yawn. After a moment, Lisa looks up at her.

LISA

Y’know, complaining about it isn’t going to make time speed up, Maggie.

MAGGIE

I don’t really care, Lisa! What I don’t get is why we have to stay here until midnight.

LISA

Because, Maggie, it’s about tradition. This store doesn’t close until twelve o’clock. It never has, and it never will.

MAGGIE

But it’s already after eleven thirty! No one is going to go out to a jewelry store half an hour before midnight. Can we please just close up early tonight?

LISA

People do come here this late, Maggie. They’ve come even later. This is the city that never sleeps. The people never sleep. And so business doesn’t sleep, either.

MAGGIE

Well, what you call business, I call booooring.

LISA

Maybe I shouldn’t’ve transferred you to the night shift. You’re not taking it well.

MAGGIE

Gee, you think?

 

Rolling her eyes, Lisa returns her gaze to the pendant on the counter in front of her. She rolls the diamond around in her palms, scrutinizes it with a jeweler’s glass, and polishes it with a cloth. She fits it back into its setting in the necklace, and screws it in tight. As she sets it down, a bell chimes. The door swings open, and a tall, pale man with long, wispy hair strides into the shop, his dark eyes darting around with a piercing gaze. This is BORIS ZALENSKI.

LISA

(to Maggie)

See? We still get customers this late.

(to Boris)

How may I help you, sir?

BORIS

I am looking for some nice jewelry. Something fancy…but not too fancy, of course.

LISA

Of course. Here, come see if there’s anything in the display case that interests you.

 

Boris walks up to the front of the store and scrutinizes the displayed jewels for a few moments. Finally, he looks up and fixes his gaze on Lisa.

BORIS

You know, this will be a tough decision. These are all some very nice pieces.

LISA

Thank you, sir. They’re all handcrafted.

MAGGIE

After all, that’s another one of our “traditions”.

 

Lisa shoots Maggie a glare. Boris strokes his chin thoughtfully.

LISA

Is there any particular type of jewelry you’re looking for? We’ve got just about everything.

BORIS

Yes, I was thinking that a new necklace would complement my new outfit very well. What do you have in that regard?

LISA

A bunch up here in the front, and some more over on the left.

 

She gestures to a display case on the other side of the room. Boris examines the necklaces in front of him, and his eyes fall on the pendant around Lisa’s neck.

BORIS

Speaking of necklaces, that’s quite a beautiful one you’re wearing. Is that a diamond?

LISA

Why, yes, it is. Thank you.

 

Boris looks back to the display case, and points towards one of the necklaces.

BORIS

Hmmm…tell me about that one.

LISA

That’s a ruby necklace, set in silver, carved into the shape of a sunburst.

 

A mild look of distaste flashes across Boris’ face, but is gone as quickly as it came. His dark eyes continue to scan the display.

BORIS

And this one?

LISA

The setting and chain for that one are made of rose gold. It’s an interlocking triangle made up of four smaller triangles, which are made of turquoise, lapis lazuli, emerald, and aquamarine.

BORIS

Very nice. You said these were all handcrafted pieces?

LISA

Indeed they are. We take pride in making sure each one of them is beautiful and unique.

 

Boris walks over to the other display case, near to where Maggie is standing. After a few minutes of scrutinizing the pieces silently, he turns and looks towards Lisa.

BORIS

Well, I think that I’ve made my decision. A very difficult one, mind you. These jewels are exquisite. Absolutely stunning!

 

Behind Boris, Maggie rolls her eyes at the customer, clearly not impressed with his exaggerated word choice. Lisa pretends not to notice.

LISA

So, which pieces would you like?

BORIS

I think that I shall take…all of them.

 

Boris raises a handgun and fixes it on Lisa. Maggie’s eyes go wide, and she screams like a chinchilla. Boris reaches into his coat and pulls out a scrunched-up duffel bag, which he tosses towards Maggie.

MAGGIE

What exactly am I supposed to do with this?

BORIS

Fill it up. What, have you never been robbed before?

 

Maggie glares at him, but picks up the bag and begins opening the display cases. Boris turns back towards Lisa.

BORIS

Now, you take out all the stuff in the front display. And don’t even think of trying to call the cops, or it will end badly for you.

LISA

Of course, of course. I understand.

 

Boris pulls another duffel bag from his coat and gives it to Lisa, who begins to stuff the jewels into it. She soon has emptied the front case and hands the bag over to Boris. He smiles, and gestures towards the diamond pendent on Lisa’s neck.

BORIS

You’re going to have to give me that one too. It looks…extremely valuable.

LISA

Oh, you-you can’t take this. It’s a family heirloom. It’s very, very important to me.

BORIS

I’m sorry, but that simply won’t do. I’ve stolen a great many family heirlooms. I can’t go and make an exception for this one, can I?

 

He smiles coldly and shakes the gun around, pointing it up at Lisa’s face. She sighs deeply, and with a look of regret on her face, pulls it off her neck and hands it to Boris. As he moves to stuff it in the bag, Maggie shouts at him from across the room.

MAGGIE

Hey, you with the cow shit for brains! I can’t unlock all of these cases!

BORIS

What do you mean-and what the fuck did you just say to me?

MAGGIE

I said that you have cow shit for brains, which you evidently do, since I need to spell it out for you.

 

Boris swings the gun around towards Maggie.

BORIS

Y’know, it’s not a very good idea to antagonize someone with a loaded weapon.

 

CT: Shot from behind the counter. Lisa pulls a large, long-necked metal water bottle from a bag on the floor, and holds it behind her back.

BORIS

What the fuck do you mean you can’t open the cases? You’ve been opening them fine until now.

MAGGIE

Yeah, but I can’t open these cases, you pig-eared moron! Since the jewels in them are higher priced than the rest in the store, only Lisa knows the code that unlocks these cases.

BORIS

Well, then, she’ll have to open them for me, then.

 

Boris turns back to face Lisa, but before he can say or do anything, Lisa swings the water bottle at Boris as hard as she can. It connects with a sickening crunch, dislocating Boris’ jaw as it knocks him to the floor. Maggie gives a brief scream as Lisa stumbles back, gasping, still tightly clutching the bloody bottle.

MAGGIE

Lisa, is, is he-?

LISA

I don’t know! I don’t know, Maggie! I just hit him as hard as I could. It was all that I could do!

 

Boris lies still on the floor, his jaw broken and bloody. Boris does not seem to be breathing. Lisa looks at the bloodstained bottle in her hands with shock and amazement.

MAGGIE

We should probably call the police.

LISA

Yes! Yes, you go do that. Quickly! I’ll make sure he doesn’t get-

 

Even as she speaks, Boris begins to rise. He picks himself up off the floor, and smiles at them, his jaw sticking out at an awkward angle and covered in blood. After a moment, the jaw pops back into place and the wound knits itself back together.

LISA

(CON’T)

-Up?

BORIS

Ladies, I’m very sorry that you had to witness that. That must have been quite…frightening. Was it?

MAGGIE

What in the goddamn fucking fuck!? What just happened?!

BORIS

I’ll take that as a yes.

LISA

Stay back! I have a reasonably heavy water bottle, and I am only slightly afraid to use it! As you know, it hurts very much!

BORIS

Oh, it didn’t hurt me, I’m afraid. Nothing can, these days. Not anymore.

 

Boris grins widely, showing off his teeth-and exposing a pair of sharp, gleaming fangs protruding from his upper lip. He begins to cackle deeply.

MAGGIE

Holy shit.

 

Lisa hurls the water bottle at Boris, breaking his nose. She leaps for the gun on the floor and scoops it up, swiveling to point it at Boris as his nose pops back into place.

BORIS

You’re certainly creative, I must give you that.

 

Maggie edges over to stand just behind Lisa.

MAGGIE

Do you know how to use that thing?

LISA

I know what’ll happen if I pull the trigger.

BORIS

Really? You’re sure you want to do something as foolish as that?

LISA

Shut up, you-you Vampire!

BORIS

Boris. My name is Boris.

LISA

Fine. Mr. Boris-

BORIS

Borrrris. You need to really roll the ‘r.

MAGGIE

I don’t give a shit about how you pronounce your name! You’re a fucking vampire!

BORIS

Well, yes, I certainly am. Does that bother you?

MAGGIE

Definitely! How is it not supposed to?

LISA

Maggie, shut up. Boris-you’re going to stay right here while we call the police so they can arrest you.

BORIS

Oh, really? You’re going to call the police, so that they can come and arrest a vampire-an immortal, three-hundred year old, blood-sucking vampire?

 

Boris takes a step towards the two women. Lisa fires the gun, which flies over Boris’ shoulder and hits the wall behind the counter.

LISA

That-that was a warning shot. Stay back.

MAGGIE

(whispers)

Was it really, or did you just miss?

LISA

(whispers)

Shut up.

BORIS

I’m sorry to interrupt your little chat, but I kind of need to finish robbing you now.

LISA

Not a chance. I’m the one with the gun, remember?

BORIS

Oh, please, as if you could even hit me with that thing. You clearly don’t know how to fire a gun.

MAGGIE

Keep talking, you stupid, chicken-faced sack of cat turds-

 

Maggie is interrupted by a loud blaring. She and Lisa turn to see Maggie’s phone, sitting on a table, ringing loudly from an alarm going off. The time on the phone reads 12:00 AM. In their moment of distraction, Boris leaps towards them, tackling Maggie to the ground. Lisa screams and fires a shot at Boris. It punctures his arm, but closes up after a moment. He bares his fangs and quickly bites down on Maggie’s neck. She screams as he pulls away, showing a pair of bloody puncture wounds on her previously unblemished skin. She falls backwards, howling in terror and pain, as Lisa wheels on Boris and starts shooting the gun. Several of the shots miss, but most hit their target, spraying dark blood from the wounds until the gun is empty. Boris stumbles and falls from the impacts, and Lisa tosses the gun aside, rushing to Maggie’s aid.

LISA

Mags! Talk to me! Are you okay?

MAGGIE

That fucking bastard! That goat-faced bastard! He-he actually bit me!

LISA

Well, that’s what Vampires do. But how are you not dead? He drank your blood!

MAGGIE

Yeah…yeah, he did, but…the wounds don’t really hurt.

 

Lisa glances at the holes, which have stopped bleeding, and are now barely discernible from the skin around it. Lisa feels around and touches Maggie’s neck until she finds the puncture marks. With a bewildered look on her face, she turns to face the rising Boris.

LISA

How come…how come that didn’t kill her? I thought Vampires drained their victims’ blood?

 

Boris gets to his feet, brushing off his coat as his wounds reseal. He growls at the two women.

BORIS

We drink blood, yes. We don’t actually take all a person’s blood. I was just craving a little snack.

MAGGIE

That’s what you call fucking biting me?! A little snack?!

BORIS

Little enough. But certainly enough to be quite tasty.

 

Boris licks his lips, the points of his teeth showing from behind his tongue. He glances towards Lisa and outstretches his hand.

 

BORIS

(CON’T)

The necklace, if you would please. I still do need to rob you.

LISA

Why does an immortal Vampire need to rob jewelry stores, anyway?

BORIS

Because I like shiny things! And I like having and spending lots of money.

 

Maggie pulls a crucifix necklace out from under her shirt and holds it up in the Vampire’s direction.

MAGGIE

Begon, foul demon! Get back to the shadows from whence you came! The power of Christ compels youuuu!

 

She advances towards Boris, who snatches it out of her hand, and looks at it with an amused grin.

BORIS

Really? You actually thought this thing could do anything against me?

MAGGIE

Well…it was worth a shot.

BORIS

I suppose it was. Now, I must finish this robbery, so get out of my way!

 

Boris swings the crucifix, the chain catching around Maggie’s neck. With inhuman strength, he swings the necklace, and her, sending her smashing through several glass display cases, shattering them loudly. Stalking up to Lisa, he pulls the pendant off her neck, the force of which yanks her to the ground. The camera pans around her as she gets onto her knees and elbows, and looks across the room to see a wooden-handled broom propped up next to a door. She turns her gaze upwards, to make eye contact with Boris.

LISA

Mister Vampire. Boris. Whatever. Please, don’t take that necklace. It’s extremely important to me.

BORIS

I must admit, you’ve piqued my curiosity. What is so important about this necklace that you would defy a Vampire for its sake?

LISA

My grandparents stole it from a Nazi commander when they fled Germany during the Holocaust.

BORIS

Ah, of course. Quite a storied family heirloom, then. Nonetheless, I must take it with me.

 

Boris yanks the necklace away from Lisa. The Vampire turns and stalks over to the dropped duffel bags, into which he piles the jewels scattered on the floor. Maggie slumps out from the shattered glass cases, bleeding from her arms and legs. She locks eyes with Lisa, who gestures with her chin towards the broom. Maggie nods, understanding. Lisa raises her head and opens her mouth, sound barely escaping it.

LISA

(whisper)

Diversion.

 

Maggie wobbles her head ever so slightly. Pulling the crucifix off her bruised neck, she raises her arm and tosses it at Boris. It bounces off his head and he turns to her, annoyed.

MAGGIE

You forgot one, pal!

BORIS

I have had quite enough of you, you infuriating witch!

MAGGIE

Oh, look who’s talking, you bat-eared, fish-faced, pile of smelly pig guts!

BORIS

You will be silent!

 

As Boris strides over to Maggie, shouting loudly, Lisa leaps from her place on the floor and over to the wall, seizing the broom. Boris seizes Maggie and slaps her across the face so hard, it draws blood. He bares his fangs once more, his thin tongue flicking their tips.

BORIS

(CON’T)

Earlier, all I was hungry for was a snack. But now, I think I’ve worked up a little bit of an appetite! I think you’ll do quite nicely for a main course.

MAGGIE

Fucker! Don’t you dare bite me, you ugly son of a-

 

As he opens his mouth wide and moves towards Maggie’s neck, Lisa rushes up behind him, swinging the broom overhand. Boris whirls around and raises his arm to block the blow. The broom handle snaps in half from the force of the swing, leaving a jagged, sharp piece clutched in Lisa’s hands. Boris chuckles.

BORIS

You didn’t really believe that would work, did you?

LISA

No. I know that this will.

 

She suddenly jabs the sharp broom handle towards Boris’ chest. His eyes go wide with terror for a moment, but moving almost faster than the eye can follow, his hand shoots downwards and catches the stake an inch away from his heart. With his other hand, he reaches forward and grabs Lisa by the neck, holding her in place.

BORIS

Very clever. But I’m afraid it was not good enough.

MAGGIE

Was it?

 

From behind Boris, Maggie kicks the back of his knees as hard as she can. Boris stumbles and, for just an instant, loses his grip on the stake. In that instant, Lisa thrusts it forward, and its tip stabs into Boris’ chest. He regains his grip and pushes against Lisa, preventing the stake from going any deeper. A look of intense pain and anger shines on his face. He screams, and with all his might, hurls Lisa across the room. His hands close around the stake and, with a pained groan, he pulls it out. It clatters to the floor, blood still dripping from Boris’ chest wound. He leans against a shattered jewelry case to steady himself. He turns his furious gaze onto Maggie, and stalks towards her, his bleeding wound forgotten in his anger.

CT: Across the room. Lisa comes flying into frame and slams against the wall, slumping to the floor. Groaning in pain, she reaches up to feel the back of her head. When she pulls it back into view, it’s covered with blood. Looking across the room, she sees Boris turn towards Maggie and move threateningly towards her. Her gaze drifts towards the side, and comes to focus on a fire alarm on the wall above her. Reaching upwards, with the last of her strength, Lisa’s fingers close around the lever. Grimacing from the pain of her head wound, she grips it tighter and pulls it.

CT: As Boris stoops towards Maggie and bares his fangs, the fire alarm goes off, sirens blaring and lights flashing. Boris cringes at the sudden noise and light, and on the ceiling above him, the sprinkler system activates, spraying water across the room, and all over its inhabitants. A blood-curdling scream echoes forth from Boris’ pale lips as the running water splashes and sizzles onto his skin, burning into it like acid. Flesh burns away, and the muscle and bones of his face show, turning an already terrifying visage into a grim mask of horror. Wailing in pain so intense he can hardly stand straight, Boris stumbles through the store, still being burned by the running water, until he reaches the doors and smashes through the glass, falling onto the sidewalk outside, safe at last from the liquid deadly to his kind. Blood and water drip from his body onto the concrete beneath him. He turns his head back into the store, where he sees Maggie get to her feet, a look of mixed relief and confusion on her face as she gazes at him. Snarling, but grimacing from the pain as he does so, Boris looks across the broken storefront, to Lisa. She lies there, slumped against the wall next to the fire alarm, blood seeping from the back of her head, staining the wall. We begin to hear sirens blaring in the distance, as Boris gets to his feet, still grunting in pain. He locks eyes with Maggie for a moment, and then staggers to the curbside, where he transforms into a bat and flies away into the night. Maggie stumbles through the broken store, legs still bleeding from the shattered glass, as the sirens grow louder, getting closer. Limping through the water spraying from the overhead sprinkler systems, she finally reaches Lisa, still slumped against the wall beside the fire alarm, blood coating both her head and the wall she rests against. Maggie tilts Lisa’s face into view and stares into her eyes, cold and lifeless. Fingers trembling, Maggie reaches out and gently closes Lisa’s eyelids. Her face begins to twitch as the sirens continue to grow louder. She looks down at the slick floor, coated in blood and broken glass, and sees something shining amidst the debris. She pulls it out, and finds herself holding Lisa’s diamond necklace. She begins to cry as she sets the pendant around the neck of Lisa’s body, tears mixing with the blood on her face. She leans her head against Lisa’s shouler and begins to sob uncontrollably, the sound barely muffled by the blazing sirens and sprinklers. As she sits there, on the floor of broken glass, legs shredded and bleeding, crying against Lisa’s corpse, the flashing red and blue lights of police sirens shine through the falling water, creating the illusion of blood dripping over the shattered jewelry store.

FADE TO BLACK.

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